What brings me here..... LOL


Sigh i am beginning to have doubts about my own charactor, maybe my charactor really sucks..
i dunno how to make friends, how to talk more, be more outgoing. Best of all i dunno how to be sociable..



so in the end i suck.





Perhaps scheming people/Hypocrites really are more successful in life, more friends more likeable.

maybe i shld learn a trick from her, to be more cunning. hmmm



Just kidding! LOL

Okay tell ya, be on the alert for fake friends, ya in good times they will go through everything with you, celebrate your bday, buy lots of expensive things for you. You will be happy at first, really really happy.
But in tough times, hmmmm,
i've doubts. so yeah


Be careful of wat friends u choose, ahh wadever to you i may not have the rights to say all this, but trust me, i've been through it all..

From getting badmouth by my own closest group of friends, to getting ostracised(left out), yeah i may did smth wrong i admit but i've my reasons.

From getting left out by my own group of friends, for example, whenever they go out they will nvr ask me along..i felt so hurt...Till now i wonder wad motive they have when they want to go out with me?

Back then, i did'nt know how to react to all these, at times i just wished to end it all...
i nearly did, getting all the pills ready, i was ready to die, but smth turned it all around, perhaps i didnt have they courage to do it?

I also resorted to slashing myself, often just to take away the pain.

Looking back, i find these FUCKING CHILDISH AND STUPID, all these...for friends?
SO STUPID, brainless...

I never thought that the person i treated as my best friend will ignore me. All these woke me up to reality, so choose your friends wisely, I never thought i would get treated this way.

Ahh these are all in past, if i had a choice i would erase it, LIKE EWWWWWWW at my actions!


LOLOL

Haha so inspired to lose weight, actually she also wasnt that fat . but she's really pretty! first korean pop star i like haha

Actually she also pretty b4 debut, but idk why in the auditions she look kinda different





okkkkkk enough of korean~

Hi, ytd or shld i say 2days ago was qianru's birthday chalet?
haha actually her chalet quite fun, played cards/games? Enjoyed it really, actually i enjoyed the part whereby we stayed over and chit chatted, we didnt sleep. Pg, emil, qianru and me shared a room.
Due to pg having to work the next morning he had the bed all to himself haha
den 3 of use shared a bed, chit chatted all night? Not bad i actually enjoyed the conversation.
well, considering me an introvert, dont speak to others, during the conversation where i talk with qianru along with emil, surprisingly i talked to emil, it wasnt actually a lot but its an improvement, LOL

but i still suck at socializing :(

At the chalet, i didnt talk much, perhaps i am worried that if i talk no one would reply me :(
Due to the reason in primary school i am afraid of expressing my opinion in front of other people because i always get ignored back then..

To others i maybe unfriendly, i also dont want it to be this way ....

I seriously need to talk more, be more sociable, BUT I DONT KNOW HOW TO BE!!!!
Alright now, sigh... need to report for work everyday...how sian can it be? i dun want to drift apart from my good friend, okay i treat her like best friend? HAHA
because we went through so much together. she was dere for me when i was at the lowest point of my life : contemplating suicide, slashing myself, talking abt dying.

I tink BACK THEN i've got depression? (DO NOTE, BACK THEN, DONT COME BRING THE PAST UP OKAY?)

Because she was the only one who listened to all my problems, encourage me to pamper myself, etc etc.

and now even she encourage me to have confidence in myself, abt my body, looks etc.
Bcos i always lack confidence, having negative thoughts abt myself etc ... sigh i dont know how to make these negative feelings go away but trying.


The thought of after graduation, we will not really contact anymore really saddens me ...
This applies to all of my frens/buddy too...

sigh...i am a little afraid to be left all alone, because, naturally when all of my friends move on to polytechnic they will make new friends and move on with their lives, i am scared that i will keep holding on to the past, to be stuck in the past forever...

Bcos i'm a really sentimal person, i am really afraid of changes,  meeting new people. :(
But i really hope for the best for all of them, even as we start to grow apart.

Maybe its time for an independant lifesyle...sigh

But i will miss having someone to talk to abt my problems, everything and anything under the sun.
It will be so hard for me to find anyone that close anymore, which is why now i will treasure each and everyone of them, even if u dun regard me as close friends or anything.

i cannot say that i am the best friend that anyone can find, but if u guys need anything i will be there, will miss each and everyone of you ALOT....


Okay back to reality, sigh im gna be really busy from friday onwards, bcos i will be working 2 jobs at the same time...
which means less time for friends and family......
sian... but i hope its only on a temporary basis.

sigh...

i totally hate it when growing up means growing apart.
i have never had friends, okay let me rephrase that, i never really had friends back then in primary school so when i graduated there, i didnt have the "cant bear to leave" my primary school the feeling.

But now in secondary school, when i finally graduate this year, i totally cant bear apart with all of my friends :'(
Its like i finally had someone close to me, someone who shares all my problems, went through so much together, happy or sad, the frienship is still strong.
Sighh..i tink when we all graduate, yeah maybe at first we''ll still have some contact, but gradually we'll all lose contact :(
and all my friends will be too busy with their poly life to even bother abt me, idk where i'll end up :(
I am not even confident of getting into a polytechnic, if i can at least enter republic poly it would've been a miracle, yet im scared, scared of getting my results and what would happen after we all graduate...

Im scared...of being a loner again, being the primary school me, i never made any best friends, yeah i've got a few but they all left me. Well let me tell u my history, Back then in primary 4 and 5, i've had a tamil and eurasian friends, well we weren't exactly good friends just tat we were so called "force to go with each other"? bcos everyone had cliques etc etc..

Den my pri 2 friend she so called left me for another friend.

So surprising right, i got a guy good friend back in primary school XD
he was so good to me! haha even to the extent of wanting to give me one of his things which i fancied.


hmmm, den the years went by, i grew apart from all of them, bcos we weren't in the same class...
and i became a loner :(

Due to the fact that i was so fat ugly back then, that i was so preoccupied with my appearance, i lost all the courage to speak to everyone, much less make friends?

Life was bleak back then, there was even a rumour abt me which totally made it worse, no one liked me, no one wanted to speak to me ... :(
To make matters worse, i had no one to speak to :(

Well thats abt it? cos if i continued den it would've been too long alr. LOL




Currently in secondary school, i manage to experience one thing, FRIENDSHIP!

Thank you, really thank you to all my friends, whether or not have we grown apart.
Bcos u guys let me experience what is friendship, a thing which i never experienced before.
What it's like to gossip, to share secrets, to do all the fun things, to go out together, to have meals together.
Yes, all these are things i never experienced before, thank you :)

Maybe u all wont read this but this ^ kinda dedicated to u guys?
Really appreciate it all! All the ups and down we've been through together.

I guess i'll never experienced this again..
How it  feels like to have someone to encourage u , tell u to have confidence etc etc.


:'(
Things have changed from this moment onwards, but i really hope we wont lose contact :(




Well... below is a picture taken in 2010, last year with my favourite guinea pig, ZHU ZHU!!! <3

Sigh... time really flys, 2011 is coming to an end already....
im getting older too..... :(



In short, i never want to lose valuable friends like you guys, will miss you all ..

HI HI LOL